My Last Will and Testament

Dear Children,

Hopefully you have already flushed my ashes down the toilet and are bickering over who gets the estate. George, Martha and Ishmael; I loathe you all equally, but since you’re my only surviving family you need to be included in the will. George, on your thirteenth birthday you asked if we could throw you a Bar Mitzvah. I told you that we aren’t Jewish and you poisoned my fish to spite me. You get nothing. Martha since the age sixteen you suffered from anorexia. You have no one to blame but yourself and your mother, who was disappointed that you weren’t bulimic. We all had a good laugh whenever you came home and told us about your recent abortion. You also get nothing. Ishmael I hate you the least. But that’s just because I got to name you. At fourteen the neighbor’s cat went missing and you were to blame. I’ve chosen to look past your flaws so you can have a chair. Thankfully I outlived your mother, who to my surprise tried poisoning me only once. The rest of my property and money are to be burned. All that falls under my property are the following, the servants, the house, the dog, my car, and all 13 of my mistresses. I will see you in Valhalla.

rejected 11/1/10 7:11 AM

(by cmoneychillinwityourmom)

Posted on June 12, 2011 with 1 note